Aaron Rodgers Retires To Spend More Time Alone With Money

After countless NFL seasons consisting of a Super Bowl victory and an MVP award, seven-time Pro-Bowl QB Aaron Rodgers announced his retirement at a press conference today, citing his desire to spend more time alone with his money.

“Football led me to miss those early years when my money was just nickels and dimes, and that wasn’t fair to them,” Rodgers said at a press conference, adding that his girlfriend expects to give birth to a baby coin this fall. “I spent years letting financial advisers care for my money, but now I have to save these precious moments with my money.”

The decision agonized Rodgers, who stressed wanting to watch his money become fully formed hundred-dollar bills and raise money of their own. Despite numerous meetings with Packers President Mark H. Murphy to reverse his decision, Rodgers’ love of money ultimately guided his decision.

“My dad focused too much on taking us fishing and saying he loved us instead of his money, and that neglect is something I would never wish on the lowest global currency,” an emotional Rodgers said, pulling his money closer to wipe away tears.

Not wanting to leave the people of the NFL empty-handed, Rodgers also announced plans to open an orphanage for abandoned money so that no cent goes without a loving home.