Mystics Defeat Sun, Plunging World Into Darkness Forever

Fulfilling a preseason prophecy foretold by the ancient basketball oracle Bill Walton, an all-female wizard squadron known as the Washington Mystics have vanquished the great and powerful Connecticut Sun, suffocating all light and blanketing the globe in eternal darkness.

Rapturous onlookers chanted in glorious celebration as the ethereal game clock succumbed to the finality of zero. WNBA lore tells of a thunderous roar emanating from the valiant Mystic bench throughout the luminous caverns of the Entertainment and Sports Arena, ascending to the heavens and enveloping the unsuspecting Sun. And so it was.

“This is a dream come true,” said Mystics enchantress and blessed tripoint slayer Emma Goodwin of the game-winning curse that has unleashed such terrible maladies upon Earth’s doomed inhabitants. The sinister kiss of the Indiana Fever has spread rapidly amongst the millions of hapless souls living in the subterranean rustbelt, infecting the stricken with the insatiable thirst for professional women’s basketball.

In a world remade without the permission of mortals, Mystics now parade through the icy streets on thrones made of jewel, showcasing their spoils among hundreds in spellbound fellowship. The rest forage for sustenance in mournful happenstance, packs of fans yearning for riches during this cruel off-season’s amateur draft harvest.