American Pharaoh Stripped Of Triple Crown After Oil Test Reveals He’s Actually a 2014 Nissan Pathfinder

The National Thoroughbred Racing Association has stripped American Pharaoh of his Triple Crown after oil tests revealed the horse, who ran a record 118 mph, is actually a 2014 highway safety award-winning Nissan Pathfinder.

American Pharaoh, the first Triple Crown winner with bluetooth capability, tested positive for full synthetic motor oil after the NTRA received an anonymous tip from a certified pre-owned Nissan dealership that the horse might possess all-wheel drive technology. The VIN number etched into the lower right hoof corroborated the tip.

“The oil samples revealed sludge inconsistent with a seasoned race horse,” said Lawrence Withers, NTRA spokesperson. “This, in conjunction with the horse’s sleek LED low beam eyes, tendency to use a left turn signal on the track, and 26 highway miles per gallon fuel economy from its dynamic alloy frame, led us to discover American Pharaoh is some kind of midsize horse utility vehicle.”

Trainer Bob Baffer, who was caught inserting a gasoline nozzle into the horse’s anus prior to the Belmont Stakes, says harnessing the 260 horsepower available in the 3.5L V6 racing machine to outmaneuver opponents captures the very spirit of horse racing.

“All horses should be cars,” Baffer said.

Victor Espinoza, American Pharaohs longtime jockey, argued that using full synthetic oil provided no competitive advantage over other horses, saying that it even caused mechanical errors with the horse.

“We occasionally jump-started American Pharaoh,” Espinoza said, adding that it often triggered the horse’s mating instincts, resulting in several mares being crushed to death by its 18-inch silver aluminum wheels. “But when the race started, I would sit inside my horse like everyone else, start his engine, and shoot out of the starting gate going 0-60 in 7.4 seconds while cranking Ozzy’s Boneyard courtesy of our SiriusXM Satellite Radio subscription.”

American Pharaoh issued a notification through his hands-free Apple CarPlay infotainment system that he will appeal the decision, but Baffer revealed the horse’s warranty had expired and the animal would likely be sold for parts.