Asshole Doesn’t Even Wear Eagles Jersey To Daughter’s First Communion

Philadelphia native Tommy Abruzzo turned heads this Sunday when he walked into Old St. Mary’s Catholic Church for his daughter’s First Communion wearing nothing but a blue blazer, mauve tie, light blue button down, and no visible Philadelphia Eagles gear. 

Family, friends, and clergy alike were appalled at the asshole move. “Very disrespectful,” said Tommy’s brother Ray Abruzzo, who wore a Donovan McNabb jersey over green-and-white Zubaz pants. “I’m appalled at the audacity of this guy right now.” Ray was especially angry considering he knows Tommy owns at least four green Eagles jerseys. “What is Tommy, some kind of jerkoff? He knows we’re playing the Chiefs tomorrow.”

Tommy’s cousin Dickie Abruzzo was equally disgusted. “Fuck him,” Dickie said, while sitting shirtless with a green no. 1 painted on his chest and the word ‘HURTS’ tattooed on his back. “Dressed like this on our Lord’s Day, 24 hours before our big game in Kansas?! The guy is classless. No wonder his wife left him,” Dickie added, gesturing to Tommy’s ex-wife Jeann in the next pew, who had painted her face Philly-green for the sacred occasion.

Even Tommy’s daughter expressed embarrassment, as the young girl could be overheard apologizing to the priest — who himself wore a green Eagles cassock — for her dad dressing like a “fucking clown.”  

As the parishioners rose to sing “On Eagle’s Wings” for the third time, Tommy redeemed himself in the eyes of God and his community when everyone saw Tommy’s suit pants were actually old Eagles sweatpants blackened by years of disgusting city grime. “Thank the Lord,” sighed his daughter.