Hear Us Out: Sex, But With Doug Flutie

We know you haven’t thought about Doug Flutie in 20 years, and when he does cross your mind, it’s not about making sweet, sweet sex with him. Trust us, we used to be just like you. But little did we know how simply great coitus could be with a little Doug Flutie in the mix.

Hear us out: Taking a ride on this Buffalo Bill is a sex-venture for the ages. At first, Doug — much like his football career — was disappointing. We’re guessing it wasn’t until he went up north and laid more pipe than Keystone while a Canadian football player (and eventual HOF-er) that Flutie got really good at the Ca-nookie.

Then he took his newfound talents back down south, where his reputation apparently didn’t cross the border with him. And that’s why when we think about Flutie in the states, we only picture a sub-six-foot QB with no Super Bowl rings and the face of a busted up Tom Cruise.

But if you think he’s a petite guy now, just wait how short he looks next to his penis. We mean, this Doug Dong is as much a rocket as his arm. Sex with Doug Flutie is like that one scene in “Dr. Strangelove”: Ecstatically straddling a big ol’ bomb, hooting and hollering.

It’s not all just carnal delights either. The morning after a night with Doug, he’ll make sure you have a big breakfast of Flutie Flakes cereal. Now that’s a generous and tender lover!

That’s why we hope you all go to bed tonight, under the sultry eyes of your Doug Flutie posters, and simply cream yourself thinking of the day you get to meet him. If you’re lucky, you’ll start foreplay with a game of catch and finish with a new appreciation of the absolute fuck-GOAT that is Doug Flutie. Once this happens, trust us, every time you feel like getting busy from then on, you’ll be begging for some Flutie.