Baltimore Man Correctly Living In Fear That Ray Lewis Could Be Around Any Corner

Like most Baltimore residents, Beau Robinson makes a point to be indoors before nightfall, correctly fearing that Ray Lewis could be lurking around any and every corner.

According to Baltimore Police Department crime data, violence in Baltimore has climbed steadily since 1996, but dramatically increased in 2012. Correlation? Ray Lewis.

“I believe to have lost 9 friends to Ray Lewis this year alone,” Robinson said in a statement to his fellow Baltimoreans on his TikTok feed this past Sunday. Local rumors and urban legends have begun to swirl claiming that Lewis spends his nights stalking victims from up 7 yards away. “They say if you can hear ‘BLITZ,’ it’s already too late.”

Top local crime analysts agree that Lewis does not sleep or eat, only spending time training and looking for weakness. It is believed by Baltimore PD that this includes watching hours and hours of film from closed caption cameras, Ring doorbells, and security footage around the city.

“I am sadly speaking from personal experience,” Robinson said, recalling how he lost his brother to Ray Lewis. Tom, his brother, dressed in a Patriots jersey was on FaceTime with Beau six years ago when a purple figure rushed from his blindside. Beau horrifyingly recalls and recounts his brother being tackled to death, and an elusive (for his size) purple shadow doing an elaborate celebration dance.

“He cannot be stopped. He cannot be contained,” said local authorities earlier this week in a citywide statement of safety and precaution. “Your only hope, should you encounter ‘[number] 52’ on the city’s gridiron is to scream ‘I’M TRENT DILFER’ in the hopes he’ll take pity, leave, and brutally hit-stick someone else to immediate death.”