Belichick Vows Deep Introspection On Season’s Failures Between Rounds Of Old Man Sex With Girlfriend

North Carolina Head Coach Bill Belichick has not been sitting easy with an unexpectedly dismal 4-8 season record. In classic Belichick fashion, he promised to review the film, meet with coaches, and have plenty of flabby, old man sex with his 24-year-old cheerleader girlfriend, Jordon Hudson.

Belichick announced this in a post-season press conference where he looked particularly flushed in the face, heavily perspiring, and popping a blue pill. When asked about his condition, he said he had just been ‘“working out,” winked, and then tried to fist bump a horrified reporter.

“I don’t stand for failure. Believe me, I’m going to spend a lot of time behind closed doors and in dark rooms this offseason. I see a lot of sleepless nights in my future, doing my job,” said coach Belichick, weirdly laughing to himself while periodically sniffing a pair of panties almost the entire presser.

When asked about the failures of the 2025 season, many of the players noted Belichick’s inconsistent coaching methods.

“He would rip me apart for throwing a pick in practice, then an hour later, sit back in his chair with his hands behind his head saying ‘There’s nothing like scoring a beej from a 24 year old, I’ll tell you what,’” said QB Gio Lopez. “And then sometimes after a game, he would shake hands with the opposing coach, scowl on the way back to the locker room, and then we’d see him board the bus with a used condom hanging from his visor.”

When asked how he came up with his offseason plan, Belichick stated that it’s same plan used every off season by Urban Meyer.