Bills Mafia Puts Hit On Mahomes, Bullet Misses Wide Right

Patrick Mahomes may be a made man in Chiefs Kingdom, but that didn’t stop Bills Mafia from putting a hit on the future Hall of Famer. Buffalo big boss Sean McDermott and consigliere Josh Allen decided the only way to win the AFC was by stopping the elusive Mahomes dead in his tracks. The duo drew up the perfect game plan—they’d put the QB in cement cleats.

From 47 yards out, McDermott’s hitman had Mahomes square in his sights. “I steadied my rifle, took a sip of Labatt Blue for courage, and let ‘er rip,” said the sharpshooter in his Bills Zubaz zoot suit. As the gun kicked back, the would-be assassin thought he was “good from fifty,” but watched helplessly as the bullet sailed far right. “Damn grass,” muttered the mafioso. “I never woulda missed on turf.”

Mahomes should have alerted Chiefs PD weeks prior. The signal caller knew Bills Mafia was gunning for him when he woke up to a plate of Buffalo wings lying next to him in bed. “They soaked my body pillow in Frank’s Red Hot, it was terrifying but also delicious,” croaked the three-time Super Bowl MVP. “Bills Mafia is always so sweet to me. That’s why I love playing up there—things always break my way.”

Undeterred, Bills Mafia is offering a sizable donation to the favorite charity of whoever manages to whack Mahomes. However, McDermott admitted their hit could use a little more juice. “It’s times like these when you miss guys with that killer instinct—guys like OJ,” sighed the Mafia don. “Now I’m stuck contracting kills out to Scott Norwood.”