NASCAR Driver Banned From School Drop-Off Again

The engine roars. The Castrol Oil logo glistens on the hood. The tires of the baddest, meanest ’94 Chrysler minivan screech. It’s 7am. And ex-NASCAR driver Jeremiah Richard continues to slide through parent drop-off zone the only way he knows how: 215 MPH. Only one problem: this may be his last rodeo. Once again, Jeremiah Richard has been banned from the school drop-off zone.

“After yet another three-car wall crash erupting in flames, Mr. Richard and his children are no longer permitted in the school drop off lane,” said Principal Patricia Langley of Charlotte County Elementary, “we are sure this will decrease the amount of empty Natty Light cans, Marlborough regular butts, and- I can’t stress this enough- minimizing the child fatality rate from over three a month to zero.”

This comes as a shock to Richard, who is the current record holder for school drop off, clocking in at 4.7 seconds and is the current Daycare 500 champion.

“This place obviously can’t handle a winner.” exclaimed Richard among boos from his drunk and rowdy fanbase, who park their trailers on the school’s front lawn at 6 am to cheer on the drop-off speedster, “Maybe they’d wise up if they ever experienced a victory milk shower like I have.”

As of the time of this publication, there is no word as to whether Richard will appeal this decision by using a much slower monster truck.