NBA Warns Ja Morant Is Just Days Away From Developing Nuclear Weapons

Following two tumultuous seasons with several arms violations, NBA intelligence officials have warned that Ja Morant is merely days away from successfully developing nuclear weapons in order to decimate Earth and, perhaps worse, basketball as we know it. 

“This has been bubbling for a while, but the most recent intel confirms that it’s time to take shelter and hide, like Chris Paul during the playoffs,” said Commissioner Adam Silver, citing footage of Morant’s on-court nuclear explosion celebrations in which he mimics a mushroom cloud with his hands, an action he believes “could only be taken as an act of all-out war.” 

While key ally Zach Edie has attempted to talk down his teammate, the efforts have only emboldened the Grizzlies’ star point guard. 

“I’ve urged Ja to agree to a peace treaty, but we’re getting down to the buzzer and talks are going nowhere,” cautioned Edie. “A unilateral ceasefire looks about as likely as the Wizards winning a championship. We may have reached the point where the entire NBA will have to resort to an iron zone defense.”

After being pressed to expound on how a college dropout who never declared a major could construct such sophisticated explosives, Morant acknowledged that he received some tips from idol and sympathizer Dennis Rodman’s “buddy in North Korea.”

Shortly after the report’s release, President Gregg Popovich of the San Antonio Spurs ordered a preemptive strike using 14 bunker-buster bombs on the All-Star’s workshop beneath a Memphis mountain — an attack likely to set the Grizzly back upwards of three off-seasons.