Vlad Guerrero Jr. Furious To Learn He’s Being Paid In Stupid Canada Money

On April 17 of this year, power hitting Vlad Guerrero Jr. signed a record-setting 14-year, $500 million contract extension with the Toronto Blue Jays, including a reported signing bonus of $325 million. All of which to be paid in brightly-colored, “disgusting looking” Canadian money. Leaving Guerrero infuriated and perplexed about the currency he refers to as “trash cash”.

“I’ve been playing in Canada for 7 years. You’d think someone would’ve told me all my liquidity is tied up in this Canada stuff,” raged Guerrero. “I’m not even sure it’s real money. What real money has the Queen of England and ducks on it? What can I even buy with this stuff?”

“He can buy barrels of maple syrup. He can buy mountains of poutine. He can buy out a whole Tim Hortons! An entire freaking Hortons!!” responded Blue Jays general manager Ross Atkins. “Heck-Eh, he could probably buy the entire city of Moose Jaw.”

Fellow first baseman Bryce Harper of the Philadelphia Phillies, who is paid in American (real) dollars, feels Guerrero’s pain. “Sucks man. Like with the exchange rate, how much scratch does he actually have? Is he a millionaire or is he working minimum wage? Poor bastard probably has to drink Molson and eat that weird bacon that comes in a circle.”

Guerrero remains visibly shaken. 

“I really want to buy my mom a house in Florida. Florida said they only take money with alligators on it!”