Bleak U.S. Health Report Concludes America Should Have Better Sumo Wrestling Team

A damning new report released today by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention concludes that despite being the most qualified nation on earth, America continues to lag behind other physically developed countries in producing a robust sumo wrestling team, posing an existential threat to American sumo greatness.

“Nothing seems to be working,” said Dr. Erva Jonette, lead clinician at the American School of Sumo Wrestling. “Public health efforts to increase the number of sumo wrestlers has done little to combat the steep decline in American participation in global sumo wrestling events.”

The report links an incompetent sumo wrestling team to low wrestling patriotism, a risk factor that creates seismic shifts in the competitive balance between the U.S. and Japan.

The lack of a dominant sumo wrestling team will surely limit the prospects of young Americans who should have the upper hand living in a country with more world-class training facilities like McDonalds, KFC, and Taco Bell per square mile than any other sumo nation on the planet.

Marcy Russel, a personal trainer turned sumo advocate after her cousin failed to qualify for the upcoming Olympics because he died on the operating table during quadruple bypass surgery at 31, says the government should allocate more resources to solve the crisis that demands immediate athletic attention.

“We spend all this money on our defense budget when we should be funding sumo wrestling. We’re failing our citizens,” Russel said, warning that sumo-eligible Americans may turn to more unhealthy forms of contests such as competitive eating or football.