Slow Day: Holy Shit, Are We Really Going To Interview The Diamondbacks’ New Infield Coach?

Today I’m sitting with Rod Briner . . . Birner? . . . the new infield coach for the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Diamondbacks? Infield? That doesn’t sound very interesting. It wasn’t.

 

SPORTS RIOT:  Rod B, what are your plans for the 2022 infield?

Rod B: I’ll probably hit them a lot of grounders. I’ll start by having everyone throw to first. Then we’ll do double plays. Ooh—and I have this thing where I do a little bunt, and the catcher steps up and throws it. 

[13 minutes of this]

SR: The Diamondbacks went 52–110 last year. They ranked twenty-third in total defense.

RB: Seriously? That’s terrible lol.

SR: Did you just say ‘lol’ out loud?

RB: Lol sorry.

SR: How do you plan to turn things around?

RB: They didn’t even win 54 games? How is that possible?

[huge pause]

SR: You okay, Rod?

RB: I have no idea how I got this job. I hate baseball. 

SR: Well, this has been fun, Bob, or whatever the Hell your name is. Good luck this season. Tomorrow I fly back to Chicago, I’m going to fucking . . . stab my editor. Then I’ll quit sports journalism and, I don’t know, live with my parents in Kenosha. Goodnight. 

BG: It’s still morning here.

SR: Fuck you.