Boston Red Sox Must Be Good Again, Report City’s Unbeaten Children
An SR–New England special report revealed Monday that, according to a sharp decline in recorded beatings aimed at Boston area children, the Red Sox could be doing pretty well.
Lead reporter “Eastie” Donnie O’Leary, conducting most of his research by the cigarette machine at the Red Line Quincy T Stop, found a staggering 70% increase in greater-Boston-area kids getting out of the house, taking public transit, and receiving basic recognition of their existence by their dads.
“Yeah, it checks out all right,” said Dorchester native Tommy McShane, 7. “During the Sox’ fifteen-game win streak, I actually ate nine days in a row. For once my dad [Billy “Whitey” McShane] used an ash tray for his hourly cigarette instead of putting it out on my forearm. And just yesterday he finally taught me how to ride a bike without screaming.”
Added McShane, “I mean, I knew about the bike chain, but the whole bike?”
The Massachusetts Department of Children and Families has similarly reported record low intake levels which line up almost exactly with the Sox’ recent surge. “We’re not positive,” said Amy “Patsy” O’Malley O’Byrne, a caseworker, “but we think there might even be playoff potential. The other day I walked in and asked, ‘How many kids today?’ and my supervisor said, ‘I’ll give you a hint: Durbin just homered and we’re up four.’”
Reached for comment, a member of the Red Sox’ community confirmed they were “on a tear” but that it wasn’t all peaches and cream. “It’s tremendous pressure,” said 1B Willson Contreras. “I know that every time I strike out, some kid in Southie just went face-first through a garage door. But I hope those defenseless children know the whole team is laser-focused on doing the best we can to keep them safe.”
Of course, the children of New England know that this “streak” won’t continue forever. “Even if the Sox continue on to the World Series, football season is firing up,” lamented McShane, “Every kid here just knows after that first Drake Maye interception, things will be right back to where they usually are–the hospital.”
