Saints Fear Zach Wilson Did Not Tear His ACL

The New Orleans Saints spent Thursday afternoon anxiously awaiting an injury report that could determine the fate of their season. After watching the entire third-team offense jog off the field of their own accord, the news was even worse than expected: team officials fear Zach Wilson once again did not tear his ACL.

“It’s devastating to have a quarterback of Zach’s caliber sustain a non-contact non-injury this early in the season,” said head coach Kellen Moore. “He’s currently on the physically able to perform list, but we’re optimistic that he won’t be on the sideline for the opener. We can’t afford Zach Wilson just one Spencer Rattler away from Tyler Shough.”

Quarterbacks coach Scott Tolzien is doing all he can not to protect Wilson’s knee. “I took away his red no-contact jersey, sanded down the spikes on his planting foot… hell, I even ran a full-speed seven-on-eleven period. At this point, I think his ACL is Teflon,” he sighed while pouring loose Mardi Gras beads into Wilson’s cleats.

“We always double-check Zach after every play to make sure he isn’t asymptomatic for an ACL tear,” said head athletic trainer Shone Gipson. “Honestly, we look for anything—even a light bruise or a weird mole. There’s nothing. But a trainer can dream.”

Wilson says he’s benefiting from the attention. “I’ve never felt better. These kneel-down drills on boiling hot asphalt have leveled up my game. My completion percentage has skyrocketed to 40%,” the 27-year-old smiled, before hurling an errant pass 15 yards over the head of a wide-open Chris Olave. “At this rate, I could play third-string for the Saints forever!”

“If we don’t want our season to end before it even begins,” lamented Moore, nervously glancing over both shoulders, “then we’ll have to go with the nuclear option: Internal Bountygate.”