Cam Skattebo’s Father Revealed To Be Crash Test Dummy
Ever since Cam Skattebo cannonballed into the NFL with few words and many headbutts, millions of football fans have found unity in one question — “What’s this guy’s deal?”
Now, an investigation has revealed which forces combined to create the hard-skulled enigma. According to Rio Linda, CA hospital records, the bruiser’s dad is a THOR-50M, Hybrid III anthropomorphic device — the best crash test dummy in the game.
“We can’t explain Cam’s existence on a scientific level, but his conception was quite a sight to behold,” said CEO of Humanetics Chris O’Conner, the company which manufactured Skattebo’s father. “One moment you’re testing an open-roofed Miata going 140mph, the next there’s a huge hole in the wall and Becky from accounting is in full view with a crowning baby boy.”
Despite the unheard of circumstances, the Giants rookie reportedly never struggled with what it means to be half-human, half-dummy. As a young boy, the former Sun Devil knew he was special when he received a five-star crash rating, prompting him to pursue a career in collision.
“People have put objects in front of me my whole life, and it took me getting a degree from Arizona State for everyone to finally realize I can run through ‘em like a projectile no problem,” said Skattebo. “Desk in first grade? Easy. SUV when I was 16? Quick work. Hell, my college thesis project was seeing how many campus buildings could be torn down using nothing but sheer grit and my valedictorian-worthy dome. By my last semester, there was nothing left standing.”
Team doctors and morbidly curious scientists alike are concerned about the impact the running back’s style will ultimately have on his body. However, it is crucial to note that despite Skattebo’s father flying into walls at literal breakneck speed for decades, scans show his being to be no worse off than it was in 1987.
In fact, Giants president and CEO John Mara is rumored to have picked the elder Skattebo to replace GM Joe Schoen due to his “unique brainpower” and “lack of ability to speak a single word.”
