Can’t Wait: Lions Excited To Return To NFC Championship 33 Years From Now

Still on an all time high from their 34–31 loss to the Niners in January, the Detroit Lions returned home to a parade thrown by the city. The Lions and Detroit residents are reportedly “already looking forward” to 2057, when they’re statistically likely to lose again in the NFC Championship.

Detroit locals report being “cautiously optimistic” that their Lions — or, really, any team in Detroit — will make the playoffs again in 33 years’ time. “There are sixteen teams in the NFC,” said Hans von Feuermann, Nobel Prize–winning statistician, “so statistically speaking, they should make it back four times in thirty-two years. But the Lions, as we all know, buck the law of averages, the laws of statistics, heck, even the laws of physics. Detroit is statistically destined to suck for another thirty-three years until their sad star shines again.” According to von Feuermann’s lab in Amsterdam, the Lions will make the NFC Championship not four times in 32 years but “one time, in thirty-three years. And they’ll lose.”

No one is prouder of the forecast than Lions’ head coach Dan Campbell, who gathered the team in the locker room following their loss to San Francisco. “Men,” he said, fighting back tears. “What you did out there, and all season long, was nothing short of remarkable.” He paused to gather himself. “For this specific city.” He said it was time to go “back to the lab,” work harder, and get better for their big moment in 2057. Said Campbell, “WHO’S WITH ME?”

The City of Detroit has already begun its preparations, printing T-shirts and banners advertising the 2057 Pride. Mayor Mike Duggan has been seen in a hardhat walking Jefferson Avenue with his advisors. “Feels good,” he said, knocking on a lamppost. “See you in ’fifty-seven.”

When asked who will grand-marshall the parade, Duggan said, “Don’t look at me. I’ll be long fucking dead.”