America Decides: Gritty Overwhelmingly Wins Nevada Primary

In an unprecedented turn of events, Philadelphia Flyer mascot “Gritty” swept the Nevada primaries this past week to earn the state’s nomination for both Republican and Democratic parties in what pundits are calling a “landslide.”

“Amazingly, Gritty got 100% of the votes, except for that one self-write-in for Criss Angel,” announced Nevada Governor Joe Lombardo at the victory rally for the 7-foot tall orange creature on skates, who earned the endorsement of over 800,000 Nevadans on both sides of the aisle. “That’s amazing for a state with an average 0% turnout for events without a buffet or complimentary poker chips before 8 p.m.”

Indeed, Nevada residents cited Gritty’s platform for their enthusiasm. “Not only did he fuel his bloodlust by tracking down and consuming all the pedophiles on Epstein’s flight logs, but he put forth a great fiscal policy,” said Reno resident Robert Aguilar. “He also promised to forgo a salary in lieu of shovelfuls of America’s plumpest live possums.”

Other residents echoed Aguilar’s excitement. “Gritty set himself apart at the town debates,” shared retiree Lucinda Simmons of Carson City. “Sure, this state loves debaucherous fuckmonsters who skate like Sidney Crosby, that’s a given. But Gritty had great points about universal healthcare. And he swallowed Nikki Haley whole, like a pelican eating a fish. He’s the kind of strong American hero we need right now!”

A toll by the Pew Research Center shows the phrases most associated with Gritty’s campaign include, “chaotic good,” “trustworthy political outsider,” and “oh God, he’s inside the house.” More than 75% agreed that Gritty should be able to dole out capital punishment when necessary and also when unnecessary, while maintaining a foreign policy of “speak softly — if ever — and carry a big stick to slapshot Russia and China around with.”

In the next few days, Gritty is expected to announce a category 5 hurricane as his running mate.