Chicago Bears Announce Plans To Convert Soldier Field Into Quarterback Cemetery

Invoking the history of devastating loss that has long plagued it, Chicago Bears GM Ryan Poles held a press conference on Monday announcing plans to convert the team’s soon-to-be-former home, Soldier Field, into a commemorative graveyard for the careers of the storied franchise’s many fallen quarterbacks.

“From Concannon to Cutler, from McNown to McCown—we will never forget the many brave quarterbacks who sacrificed their careers to this harsh, unforgiving field,” said Poles. “We hope that by honoring them in this way, these quarterbacks can finally find the eternal peace they never received in their game times.”

While the Bears organization was unable to grant the quarterbacks a plot at Arlington Heights, Poles expressed hope that a memorial at the cleat-scarred former field of play would give adequate solace to the countless grieving families of quarterbacks who had their careers brutally killed in the line of duty for the team. However, Poles has drawn serious criticism from a coalition of both those family members and former players, who claim the cemetery is a diversion meant to draw the nation’s attention away from demanding meaningful punishment for the front office’s mishandling of what the coalition called an “endless, unwinnable season.”

“They were basically just college kids, man, and they led them straight into a suicide mission full of ACL tears, botched snaps, and being pinned down by wave after wave of interceptions. And now they think they can paper over the horror they unleashed with some memorial?” said former active-duty tight end Greg Olsen, who was fortunately able to escape the Bears relatively unscathed after a harrowing four-year tour with the franchise. “They have so much more to answer for! Justin Fields’ body isn’t even retired yet!”

Anyone wishing to pay tribute to the fallen or future fallen Bears quarterback(s) in their own life is invited to submit the player’s name to be chiseled onto the Memorial Naming Wall located across from the cemetery’s central feature, the Tomb of the Unknown Quarterback, which will comprise of a statue of Rex Grossman standing guard over a football that is perpetually being fumbled.