City Of Las Vegas Wakes Up From Three-Day Bender To Find Receipts For Six More Professional Sports Teams

After a wild three-day weekend, the Las Vegas city council reportedly awoke from their collective bender with receipts for six more professional sports franchises. “One minute I’m at a happy hour with team owners after a conference, the next I’m holding a tire iron in a bathtub filled with silly string in New York-New York sporting a fresh face tattoo of Al Davis and have 18 missed calls from the mayor,” commented noticeably hungover city treasurer, Mandy Bahena.

According to Planning Director Brandon Vidro, the intoxicated civil servants somehow acquired the L.A. Chargers, Atlanta Braves, Charlotte Bobcats, Ohio State Buckeyes, Kane County Cougars, and FC Barcelona. “Apparently I re-zoned the whole strip for stadium usage after leaving Spearmint Rhino,” Vidrio added while grinding his teeth.

“If FC Barcelona requires a 100,000-seat stadium, we’ll put that one out in the desert and European pay-per-view revenue can pay for construction costs.”

Witnesses at strip clubs across Sin City reported seeing the officials buy a WNBA team to impress their billionaire guests, then escalate to storied franchises as the night went on. “According to this ATM receipt from Crazy Horse Gentlemen’s Club, we saved ourselves some paperwork by buying one team with cash,” Bahena added, describing how casino operators funnel money through small businesses off the books for tax purposes. “I don’t know who the Kane County Cougars are, but when you’re riding high on a cocktail of $8 Red Bulls, MDMA-encrusted tilapia, and the prospect of Big 10 Championships, you gotta stare Destiny in the face, tell her to get off your lap, grab your wallet, and buy that team!”

Despite the financial straits the city will face, council members are confident nobody actually lives in Vegas to be affected.