City Of Dallas Collectively Learning It Has A Hockey Team

The entire population Of Dallas, Texas has been shocked to learn of the existence of a non-football sports team called the Stars, which has represented the city since 1993 after the Stanley Cup Finals with the Tampa Bay Lightening.

The announcement, made in a press conference held by the NHL in an attempt to bolster support, led to widespread confusion. “So, wait, the Cowboys are practicing on ice now,” a puzzled Texan donning a vintage Troy Aikman jersey and mullet asked, “or is this just a winter games thing?”  Others wondered aloud who the Stars’ QB was and whether the cost of ice was being publically funded.

After NHL reps explained the concept of hockey as a sport distinct from football, residents remained incredulous. “Hoc-key? Never heard of it!” several shouted while others theorized the sport was an experiment from the warped minds of Mark Cuban and Shark Tank execs.

Some people in the crowd, however, were more receptive to the idea of hockey. “Well, I’ll be dipped, you learn something new every day,” Dallas mayor, Eric Johnson, was overheard saying. “But I sure hope our taxes aren’t paying for that dang ice!”

Things took a more contentious turn, though, when the Stars’ roster was revealed to be comprised mostly of Canadians. “Those northern liberal commies are trying to change God’s sport,” Jerry Jones screamed at the stage. “What’s next, non-oil companies running Texas? My millions in backed taxes better not pay for that!”

Whether or not the press conference has succeeded in earning the Dallas Stars more hometown support remains to be seen, though an identical press conference is scheduled later this week for the residents of Tampa Bay.