Classic!: Team Mascot Pratfalls Into Coma

Baseball fans were treated to an action-packed performance today after the Triple-A Pomona Speedster’s mascot, Turbo, performed a series of daring stunts that sent him soaring into the hearts of fans — and several medical-grade comas. From fearless falls to slapstick mishaps, play-by-play announcer Dave Spumoni was on hand to call the action.

“Here’s the 3-2 pitch and it’s belted deep into center field! Wow, a frozen rope straight into the head of our beloved Turbo, who is now stumbling around much to the delight of the kiddos in attendance,” announced Spumoni over the cheers of children, while Turbo flipped over a nearby guardrail. “And he effortlessly ragdolls into the lower deck. Let’s give it up for that amazing Turbo and his wacky antics!”

Later, Kiss Cam operators were able to catch an adorable candid moment as medics administered mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to Turbo’s lifeless body, quickly readying him for the world-famous “ATV Dugout Jump” routine.

“He’s locked, loaded, and cool as a cucumber,” Spumoni said of the limp Turbo propped on an ATV careening towards a ramp at incredible speed. “Oopsy, looks like crazy Turbo missed the ramp and has driven into the opposing dugout. That’s one way to strike fear in the other team, fellas. Let’s hear it for Turbo!”

The mascot’s tomfoolery continued during an eighth-inning rally when he celebrated a Grand Slam with a ride in The Turbo Cannon. As Turbo’s handlers loaded him in, the mischievous scamp began hamming it up, pretending to try to escape before the fuse finally ignited.

“And with a deafening boom Turbo is off! He’s going, going, gone! Turbo has sailed headlong into the jumbotron, showering his adoring fans with sparks. You silly little troublemaker, that’s coming out of your paycheck!”

Sources say Turbo awoke from his coma three weeks later only to learn that the rally fell short, due to his unconscious body tumbling into the bullpen and knocking out the closer. The Speedsters lost the game 10-2.