Philly Dad Excited To Teach Son How To Throw Batteries

Frantically searching through the family junk drawer in hopes of finding the desired training materials, Philadelphia resident and proud father Robert Goldmill was reportedly excited to finally teach his son how to throw batteries.

“My dad showed me how to throw a spiral with a double-A when I was Paulie’s age,” Goldmill said to his five year-old son, adding that when he clocked Mike Schmidt in the chest with a sack full of Energizer batteries in 1982, the Phillies third-baseman called on security to remove Goldmill from the game, prompting a chorus of boos and all of Veterans Stadium to pelt Schmidt with Duracell Ultras. “With hard work and practice, you’ll send me to the ER with a AC Delco-induced brain contusion in no time. Before we know it, you’ll be hurling forklift batteries at that bastard Ben Simmons.”

Upon finishing the first day of training, Goldmill’s wife immediately chastised him for going too soft on the boy and withholding the thrilling pastime of throwing battery acid.