Cocky Punter Tries Throwing It

The college football world was turned upside down last weekend when a rogue punter went off script and attempted a pass. Zach Weiland, USC’s punter, demonstrated his confidence, nay his arrogance, with an act so brash he’s receiving national news attention.

“It’s one thing to be a star athlete who had everything handed to you on a silver platter your whole life. It’s an entirely different thing to throw convention to the wind and start annexing your teammates’ jobs,” tweeted the NFL’s retired punting diva Marquette King. “It’s rude, but damn it do I respect his guts.”

Sources close to Weiland confirmed that he’s always exhibited a certain audaciousness, however no one we spoke to saw this coming. Lifelong friend Moses Zahir recalled a time Weiland, handcuffed in the backseat of a police car, broke out through a window, led the cops on a three-day manhunt, then still got the arresting officer’s phone number. But, never in a million years could they have predicted he’d have the gall to launch a football downfield with, of all appendages, his arm!

Needless to say, the arm-throwing punter now has a target on his back. “It’s just bush league. Where’s the sportsmanship? Would you throw an alley-oop if you were up by 100? No? Then why throw the ball when your entire purpose in life is to use your foot to pin the opposing team deep in their territory?” mused a bewildered and indignant Nick Saban.

USC plays ASU next weekend, and all eyes will be on Weiland as he takes the field donning his signature 14-karat gold cleats and shit-eating grin.