Cubs Fans Protest COVID Trough Restrictions

Claiming it upends a longstanding tradition that many consider “the ultimate rite of pissage,” irate Chicago Cubs fans have been picketing Wrigley Field for weeks now to protest the social distancing restrictions the organization has put in place for use of the stadium’s many beloved pee troughs.

“My father pissed two inches away from twenty drunk strangers, and his father, and his father before him,” said 46-year-old Cubs fan and pro-urination-tub protestor, Mickey DiStefano. “In fact, when my great-grandfather came to this great country, the first thing he did was buy a ticket, walk into the Wrigley Field bathroom, and talk about the game with the rest of the guys while making sure to stare at a fixed point someplace slightly over their heads. And that was America!”

While a few of the protesters have been able to spend time at the stadium’s troughs while maintaining the required six feet of distancing, the majority of stadium urinators have been forced to use private urinals with plastic dividers, a practice which has many fans crying foul.

“These solo-urinal things are a joke. They don’t even have ice in them,” said protestor Wayne Noonan, who had also brought his two brothers, along with his visibly confused wife, to the gathering. “I met my best man at the Trough. Are you telling me we would have made the same connection if we hadn’t accidentally crossed our streams, got mad that we sprayed each other, and he threw a full beer cup at my head before we made eye contact and started laughing our asses off? I don’t think so!”

For some the Tradition of the Trough is not merely about the high form of male bonding that can only be found by jointly peeing into a single vessel, or even the promise of lifelong friendship it brings. To them, it serves as a potent link between past and future generations:

“The first 10 dicks I ever saw were at this very field, at the Trough outside Section 215, all at the same time,” added Noonan, wiping away tears. “And we’re here to make sure future generations of fans have that same experience.”