If We Allow Two Zambonis To Resurface The Ice, What’s To Stop Them From Getting Married?

We at Sports Riot pride ourselves on our forward-thinking attitude. Whether it’s defunding the Dallas Cowboys, adding grenades to baseball, or even treating Bills fans like real people, we’re always a few steps ahead. However, despite our trailblazing record, we cannot in good faith support two Zambonis resurfacing the same ice together. It’s a slippery surface that will lead us down a path toward the desecration of the institution of marriage.

When God created hockey on the sixth day, he created Zamboni and Eve and placed them in the Rink of Eden. Notice that I said “Zamboni and Eve,” not “Zamboni and Zamboni.” God knew you can’t have two things with ‘bone’ in their name making the ice slippery together. How would that even work? A Zamboni fits into a garage not another Zamboni. And which Zamboni goes on top? The bigger one? They’re the same size! It’s unnatural and violates traditional hockey values.

Is there a conversion therapy scrapyard or something where we can send these 10,000-pound sinners? Just being near them makes me slick.

We know some figure skaters think we’re wrong, but they’re going to spend eternity burning in the Penalty Box. And how in the Penalty Box am I supposed to explain two Zambonis to my kid? One scrapes ice in the relationship and the other fills cracks with water? Then what? They both squeegee? It’s a slippery slope that will inevitably lead to other unholy unions like polyZamboni, Zamboni-mascot bestiality, and snowblowerophilia.

The point of marriage is procreation. So, ask yourself this: can two Zambonis carry the species forward? The answer is no. Only a woman and a Zamboni can do that. Case closed, goals scored, the ice is ever so (correctly) fresh.