Cult Starting To Feel Like A Yoga Class
As concerned initiates of the Sacred Messengers of Isaiah religious cult were silently led from the Main Compound into an indoor dance studio smelling suspiciously like patchouli oil, they noted that their overall experience was beginning to feel suspiciously like just a regular yoga retreat.
“It started out really subtly at first, like when they reissued all of our cult uniforms, and we noticed they were all made out of Spandex and had LuLuLemon on the tags,” stated an Isaian acolyte who referred to himself only as ‘M,’ taking a long swig of the cucumber-and-lemon water the elders had recently started leaving in the lobby for ‘spiritual replenishment.’’ “But our glorious leaders have really ramped things up recently. Just yesterday, I relinquished my wife into the leader’s tent, but instead of having unbridled, tantric sex with her so that he might better fulfill her spiritually, he just straight-up adjusted her posture.”
Others on the compound have begun to voice complaints regarding their Enlightenment Compound experience, noting that the Isaians’ formerly strict rules had become solely more exercise-themed in the past few weeks.
“All of a sudden, we’re required to worship a giant fetish token of some bald, ponytailed Indian guy?” asked a fellow Isaian, “Obviously the origin story of Isaiah reaching perfect alignment with his sacral chakra and birthing the Virgin Mary out of the tip of his p*nis makes complete sense, but when you start throwing in some side character named ‘Bikram’ whose ‘great miracle’ is that he made a room heat up to 105 degrees, it frankly seems a bit ridiculous.”
“And even our sacred rituals have changed. I’m on my third hour of ‘cow into cat’ just today,” agreed M. “I came here to evolve forms and attain a planar demigod status, not to stretch. At this point, I’m beginning to wonder if we’ll have one of our nightly virginal-blood-drenched, primal scream-orgies ever again.”
The interview was then jarringly interrupted by a raid on the compound by the FBI, who were there to serve a cease-and-desist letter on behalf of the nearby CorePower Yoga franchise.
