Jerry Jones Announces Bid For Presidency

In a shocking turn of events, Jerry Jones, Dallas Cowboys owner, has announced his bid for Democratic Nominee in this year’s 2024 presidential election.

Surrounded by Cowboys cheerleaders, Jones stepped to the podium for his campaign announcement press conference, “It’s time to make America, Dallas again!”

“I’m tired of the middle class being blitzed non-stop! I want to bring us all together onto one team, a team that never kneels to elitist greed, giving up on healthcare for our old people, and never EVER KNEELING during the anthem.”

Media outlet chatter in response of the move by Jones include, Joe Scarborough’s concern, “Is an oil tycoon from Texas really a Dem? No way.” Jake Tapper was quoted earlier this morning, “He can’t win a Super Bowl, how will he win the White House?” And Rachel Maddow shared in a tweet, “In his defense, requiring sex with every Cowboys blonde with pom-poms is very different than a porn star.”

Following Jones’ announcement speech he was pressed by reporters about his policy plans should he be elected, “Let me be clear — the first thing we will do if we want this great nation to succeed: nuke the Eagles.”