Dad Deftly Reroutes Family Therapy Into Eagles Trivia Night
Sitting in a warmly lit therapist’s office surrounded by his family, Philadelphia-area father John “Jawn” Shaffer utilized his grasp on the talking stick and accompanying sole power to speak by insisting on his favorite and only love language – Eagles trivia.
“Okay hon, I did call you and your floral arrangement business a failure. But to be fair, it was right after the Birds lost to the Chiefs in Super Bowl LVII,” explained the paternal figurehead to his wife, Jeanie. “Speaking of which, who can tell me which Super Bowl record Jalen Hurts tied despite the result?”
Met with groans from his pre-teen children as Jeane unsuccessfully attempted to nab the stick away, therapist Maria Jackson quietly observed the standoff.
“I understand, it was a devastating day for all of us. It doesn’t help that I also technically ran over the cat, but in my defense, my eyes were misty and I was in a rush to pick up some Yeungling to drown my sorrows. That being said, Randall Cunningham would want us to stay on track here,” said Shaffer, referencing the name of the deceased feline. “Speaking of loss, during which two seasons did the Eagles rack up the most tackles for loss? Winner gets a ‘Rocky’ marathon on Friday!”
Seeing no end in sight and a mother annoyed by the prospect of yet another date night focused on the Sylvester Stallone flicks, 11-year-old Stacy Shaffer reached for the talking stick, taking it upon herself to hold the fragile household together.
“Well, I know you said you and mom got married during one and you started falling out of love with Michael Vick in the other, so…2008 and 2011?” correctly answered Stacy. “Did I do a good job, dad? I just want you to be as proud of me as you were when you saw the Philly Special.”
Immediately shooting to his feet with a sense of love and rejuvenation not felt since spotting Jason Kelce at a Wawa, his bride of nearly 17 years called a timeout.
“Honey, I love you. But like the Birds’ stout offensive line, I think it’s important we all start Tush Pushing for our family,” offered Jeane. “We’re in a rough patch, but we have everything we need — devotion, warmth, and the shared belief that the Cowboys suck more ass than Troy Aikman unwinding after a broadcast.”
Following this, the dysfunctional, Cheez Whiz-breathed family promptly left the room despite there being 40 minutes left in the session.
