Dak Prescott Predicts NFC Championship Run, NFL Reviewing Film For Severe Hit To Head

The blue tent is coming out early this year for Cowboys gunslinger Dak Prescott. After announcing to reporters that America’s Team is “primed for a deep playoff run,” the QB was immediately carted off the podium and placed in concussion protocol.

“It’s the damndest thing. Dak seems fine. He knows the day of the week and can see how many fingers I’m holding up,” marveled NFL neurologist Dr. Garrett Kelso. “But the tape shows he’s clearly talking about the NFC Championship game—even though there’s no evidence of any contact to his head.” Gazing into Prescott’s CT scan, he muttered under his breath, “It’s almost like he has absolutely no football IQ.”

Owner Jerry Jones remains optimistic about Prescott’s progress. “We’ve already rehabilitated him from Super Bowl talk,” the billionaire crowed. “We’re taking the necessary precautions—including not letting him sleep until he admits our ceiling is seven wins and a few meaningless Thursday Night Football games. We scare people but never deliver.” 

Prescott is determined to play this year. “It’s day-to-day right now, but thankfully, the training staff is slowly draining all the hope from my body,” said the no-time NFL MVP. “I don’t get paid $60 million a year to stand helplessly on the sidelines—I get paid to leave everything I have on the field. That way, I have less to pack for Cancun.”