Deal Alert: First 10,000 Fans At Today’s Game Will Be Entered Into Raffle For Three-Way With Mr. And Mrs. Met

The greatest and rarest honor in New York sports could be yours this Monday night—if you buy a ticket to the Mets-Dodgers game. That’s right: The first ten-thousand fans will be entered into a raffle to bone with Mr. and Mrs. Met—at the same time!

Following the Mets’ eventual loss on Monday the lucky winner will ride a white limousine with blue pinstripes uptown to the five-star Big Apple Hotel. In the lobby they’ll engage in foreplay by watching a replay of Bill Buckner’s error in the 1986 World Series—and then fly straight up the shaft to the penthouse suite, where they’ll strip down, sign an NDA, and commence what is sure to be the kinkiest, baseballsy-est, most painful thirty-five minutes of their life.

“Mrs. Met is the more experimental one,” said Mets director of Metropolitan Fun & Games, Walter Eickhoff. “She doesn’t exactly give head. She is head.” When asked to clarify, he said, “I mean she is a large, giant head with stunted limbs.” In terms of ass play? “Be ready for the knuckler,” he said.

What about Mr. Met? “Straight heater,” Eickhoff said. “He’ll throw you that really good number one, and can hit the strike zone over and over—and over.”

Eickhoff produced a photo of last year’s winner, actor-comedian Kevin James, enjoying the prize. “See, that apple right there, supplied by James, would destroy a human ass. But you know Mr. Met takes it like a champ—and at ninety-five miles an hour!”

So stretch out those hammies, rub in the Icy Hot, and get ready to strap it on for this exciting, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity—to fuck.

Game time 7:10 PM EST.