Alcoholics Should Coach Vulnerable Children And 5 Other True Lessons From ‘The Mighty Ducks’
We all know the story of hotshot lawyer Gordon Bombay and how his DUI forced him to coach hockey for at-risk youths as punishment. ‘The Mighty Ducks’ served as a reminder that a hardened alcoholic can turn any ragtag group from the wrong side of the tracks into champions in any sport. Here are five other wholesome, true-to-life lessons brought to you by the 1992 Disney classic:
- USE YOUR POSITION AS A COACH TO FIND A HOT SINGLE MOM
Gordon wasted no time trolling the bleachers to find Charlie Conway’s sexy redheaded mother. We learned you’ll get the girl if you dangle the prospect of their scrappy kid getting a new dad before dumping her for the next best thing in the sequel.
- MAKE FORMATIONS BASED ON THE ANIMAL YOU’RE NAMED AFTER
The Ducks were stuck with the dumb name thanks to their biggest sponsor, Mr. Ducksworth. But Gordon used their pathetic namesake to come up with the “Flying V” and the game was changed forever. So if you find yourself with something weak-ass like “The Ants,” “The Fighting Raccoons,” or “The Packers,” there’s still hope.
- THERE’S NO AGE RESTRICTIONS FOR PEEWEE HOCKEY IN MINNESOTA
From little pipsqueaks like Peter, to Connie and her brother — who are clearly not twins — to what we’re pretty sure is a VietNam vet, it’s a free for all when it comes to age in Minneapolis youth sports. But be warned: the districting rules are really, REALLY strict. Just ask Banks.
- YOUR GOALIE DOESN’T NEED TO KNOW HOW TO SKATE
That’s right, not only does the goaltender not need to know how to skate, he doesn’t even require any athletic prowess whatsoever. All that matters is that he’s an adorably plump wiseass who sounds like a Goodfella. Victory will follow.
- JUSSIE SMOLLET ISN’T ALL BAD
Did you even know he was one of the kids in the movie? We didn’t, until we IMDBed during research for this article. And we’ll admit it: he did a good job. Here’s proof that any dipshit idiot can have one redeeming quality.
If you like this article, watch out next week when we discuss more blatant rip-offs of “The Bad News Bears.”
