Dick Butkus On Changing HIs Name From “Phallus Assmooch”

Dick Butkus, testy after years of ridicule for being shafted by an unfortunate name, has decided to officially change his name to Phallus Assmooch.

“Whenever I was penetrating the hole, I could hear the laughter from the other team,” an emotional and open Assmooch recalled when asked about the change, which he made based on results compiled from a fan club poll. “At the end of the day, I can only hope that Assmooch will strike fear in the same way Butkus did.” 

“The bottom line is I want to finally put all this behind me,” Assmooch added while slowly pricking the name-change application with his pen. “I really have to thank the team at the Social Security Office for working their tails off for me. I’m inviting them to the Assmooch household for my favorite smoked meats, sausage and rump roast.”

When asked if he was worried about what football fans would think about his new name, Assmooch mentioned famous football players who changed their names, like when Chad Johnson changed his name to Chad Ochocinco or Eric Cockerson to Eric Dickerson. He also went on to say if anyone didn’t approve, they could “kiss my…feet.”

Assmooch has been supported by his family during this hard transition. Joining him during the signing were his brothers, Johnson, Rod, and Throbbing Penis Butkus.