God Struggling To Come Up With Quests To Keep Tim Tebow Busy

After turning to his Heavenly Father for the umpteenth time for guidance after getting cut from the Jacksonville Jaguars, Tim Tebow has exhausted nearly all of God’s quests to keep the free agent busy.

“Didn’t I just send this dude to the Jaguars?! And he botched it already?! That was fast. Back to the Me-damn drawing board, I guess,” God was heard saying in frustration about the QB-turned-baseball-player-turned-TE. “I’m running out of ideas, here.”

Local angels confirm the Lord’s exasperation with His earthly servant. “Tebow is one of the neediest humans we’ve ever encountered. God has answered his prayers time and again, but nothing seems to stick,” chief guardian angel Bachariel told reporters. “God sent him to be a QB. Failed. Tried to make him a baseball player. Failed.  Tried to help him lose his virginity? Failed. I don’t know how many more brainstorm sessions we’ve got to have to come up with a quest he can complete.”

For his part, Tebow has been busy praying on the hour, every hour, to try his hand at the NBA, reminding God that he did win a playoff game for the Broncos once. God has yet to respond, though angels were quick to point out that the Heavenly Father often deems people who can’t even start on the Jets to be beyond salvation.  

“I don’t know, maybe he can be a manager at Dick’s Sporting Goods? Or I’ll send him to a remote part of the world where my reception’s not so great,” God opined with the angels about Tebow’s next quest. “Whatever we land on, he needs to stop name-dropping Me. It’s getting embarrassing.”