How’d That Happen? Smarter Team Loses College Football Game
In what can only be described as an upset of great magnitude, our Harvard Crimson Football team lost to Florida State 49-0, despite Harvard holding a superior edge in academic prowess and intelligence. America’s brightest young minds and future leaders of the world have fallen to an institution of “higher” learning who’s biggest contribution to the world includes keg stands and bong hits.
Harvard, despite running what top team mathematical algorithms predicted as the optimum plays, were held to minimum yardage. In fact, if you read research into theoretical thermodynamics, if the quarterback throws the football at the correct velocity and rotates at the rate of 4 spirals per second (or V divided by R multiplied by SPS, of course), the ball should correctly triangulate the wide receiver. What our research failed to capture is that the wide receiver should be able to run faster than 3 miles per hour. Our data indicates that anything less than 3 MPH will lead to an interception, which happened 98.758% of pass plays during the game. Unfortunately, no player from Harvard has reached that speed since outrunning their local bully in the 8th grade.
From a philosophical perspective, our boys were driven to the brink of an existential breakdown when they ran the ball to the optimum point of the defensive line, but were unable to get past a behemoth that we had only read about in the works H.P Lovecraft, which anyone who reads gets.
On the sideline, coaches consulted with Law Professors to see if there was any legal precedent that allows a 6’ 5”, 400 pound gentleman on the field. Obviously FSU would understand that if they could spell “law.”
After the game, we caught up with Seminoles quarterback Austin Tanner to find his thoughts, if he even has a single one. He mentioned, “Harvard’s cover 2 defense was telegraphed from film. They wanted to contain our deep routes, but left the middle of the field open. All we had to do was read the safety and let our running backs make plays.” We looked in all the Harvard medical journals, and couldn’t find any mention of “cover 2” or “running back.”
