Great Athlete Wastes Talent On Cirque Du Soleil

Despite possessing an NBA-caliber 45-inch vertical leap and having the core strength of an Olympic gymnast, all-rounder Cristiana Barrios continues to waste her athletic talents performing nightly as an Acrobatic Rope Skipper for Cirque Du Soleil. 

“It’s such a shame — she’d rather win over a vacationing family of four than win a World Cup,” said Manny Barrios, Cristiana’s disappointed father. 

Barrios, who says she is happy using her body as a conduit for creative wonderment, reportedly gave up much more lucrative job offers from all four of the major American sports leagues for a starring role in “KA” under creator/director Robert Lepage’s leadership.

“What people don’t understand is how easily a ‘traditional’ athlete’s skillset translates to Cirque du Soleil,” argued Lepage, “For example, instead of shooting 3-pointers, Cristiana now shoots a giant flaming sun through hoops of ice and diamonds. And in the third act? When she spears that evil demon straight through the heart from 75 feet away? That’s her setting an Olympic javelin record, five nights a week, two shows a night.”

Cristiana, who has stayed historically quiet on her decision, says she plans to continue her tenure at Cirque du Soleil through her rookie contract, but could never turn down an offer (fulfilling a life dream) of becoming a carnival worker.