NASCAR Crew Chief Instructs Driver To Veer Left Every So Often

Following months of intensive research at his team’s testing facility, 15-year NASCAR Crew Chief Ronnie Gerhard emerged from the lab yesterday to share his new data-driven game plan with star driver, Lenny Sherman (Chevy, #39): veer left every so often.

“Lenny is the smartest driver I’ve ever met, so when I explained that we’d found the correlation coefficient between turning and winning was an astounding 1.0, he was immediately in,” said Gerhard while standing in front of a huge, covered chalkboard, “We told Sherm to let us worry about camber and downforce and just keep his mind on the really tricky part — alternating between driving the car straight and turning it ever-so-slightly left from time to time.”

“I won’t lie to you, it took me a minute to adjust for the delta in central force since velocity couldn’t remain a constant anymore, you know?” said a bloody and bruised Sherman, whose first three attempts at veering left on foot took him directly into the school fence at full speed.

“Look, anyone can build 5 wind tunnels and contract MIT for $80 million dollars just like we did,” continued Gerhard, “but if we’re being totally honest, the only reason our scientific approach to racing works is because we have #39 and his God-given talent on our side. I swear, that boy could turn right if he wanted to.”