Hear Us Out: An All-Animal Olympics

The Olympics have always had a strict “non-human” policy, but does it need to be that way? Why are human beings from Malaysia allowed to participate in the games when their leopards can’t even compete in the qualifiers? Not only is this system unfair to non-human athletes, but it’s just plain boring. We’ve been watching the same one-dimensional species compete for over 2,000 years. It’s time to let the rest of the animal kingdom enjoy the spotlight while humanity watches from the stands.

Here’s the plan. We divide all the animals up by their home countries. That way we’re still competing for national pride, right? Just imagine—Polish bears and Indian tigers facing off in judo. Pretty tight, right? How about a Kenyan Cheetah racing against a Hungarian falcon in the 100-metre dash? Now we’re really getting somewhere. 

Listen, I understand why you might be skeptical, but I promise that once you see dogs rowing a boat or bonobos using their opposable thumbs to play ping pong, you won’t be able to look away. This is humanity’s chance to finally do something worthwhile. Now, it’s up to us to make it a reality.