Hear Us Out: Give PEDs To Home Plate Umpires And Let’s See How Intense Their Calls Can Get

We get it: baseball sucks. Between the slow play scattered over nine agonizing innings to the lack of muscle power from our favorite sluggers, the game needs a drastic shake up. We’ve tried giving players steroids to mixed reviews, but now it’s time to give PEDs to home plate umpires, and let’s see how intense their calls can get.

We already love how animated the boys behind the plate get when calling a strike out, but let’s give them more freedom. Picture this: a check-swing deferral to the first-base umpire who erroneously calls it a strike. Instead of swallowing his pride, the home plate umpire rockets down to first base and punches the offending umpire in the face while unleashing a booming guttural scream.

And what if an umpire gets fed up after a wild pitch that ricochets into his groin? Let him charge the mound while berating the pitcher’s poor accuracy and hurling baseballs from his pouch. And if the pitcher has a no-hitter going, let the umpire grab a bat and take a turn to see if he can knock one out of the park. Why the hell not?

Everyone loves a good home plate collision, but allowing umpires to force the catcher out of the way so he can absorb the devastating blow from someone running at him full speed is absolutely the way to go. He’ll call them safe as the veins pop out of his forehead, and when the manager comes out to argue the call, the umpire can either throw the entire team out until the sixth inning or pick up and toss that manager out of the ballpark in a devastating show of force.

Granted, we cannot overstate the health risk to plate umpires, who are at a greater risk of stroke due to these reforms, but that’s just more reason to let team trainers race to perform emergency surgeries at home plate before the 20-second pitch clock expires. There’s no doubt this will improve the fan experience and truly enhance umpire performance, so let’s get these boys juiced before spring training.