Hegseth Warns Any Troops Who Know Who Won WNBA Finals Will Be Deemed Ineligible To Serve

Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is committed to building the military in his likeness and “restoring the warrior ethos”. He has refocused the armed forces entirely on lethality and strict physical standards. It’s no surprise, then, that he recently issued the following warning: knowledge of the WNBA champion is grounds for immediate discharge.

“Warriors know who won Monday night football,” said Hegseth, tossing a live grenade into the air. “Warriors know who won UFC 331 and who won the World Series but only if someone was killed with a bat. Warriors do NOT know girl versions of MEN’S games!”

“Pete’s done an incredible job, the best job with the military,” concurred President Donald Trump. “He’s keeping the boys focused on only war stuff. Men interested in ladies playing men’s basketball gets men killed. Is that what you want? Dead soldiers who like girl-ball?!”

A staff sergeant who asked to remain anonymous remains torn between his love of the military and his love for the WNBA. “I’ve loved the W since I was an undergrad at Iowa. Caitlin Clark is my favorite athlete ever. But I need the pension. Do you KNOW what could happen to me if I’m caught catching a Fever game on base? It’s treason, now. So I have to listen to replays of the WNBA finals games in the latrine at 3am. Go Fever!”

“George Washington didn’t cross the Delaware while checking live scores for the Philadelphia Reign,” said Hegseth, “inspecting” an M-16 by peeking inside the barrel. “If Martha was playin’ ball, he didn’t know a damn thing about it, as God intended. Ask yourself: Do you want a Marine who knows which lady player had a triple-double or a Marine who knows that ‘triple-double’ is our “Middle East” drone equipment package?”

Hegseth fumbled, dropping the gun onto the floor and sending several rounds into the walls. “I know which one helps me sleep at night.”