Second Down Will Do Anything For A Little Attention

Since football season started, its least-noticed, least-tauted down — the second down — has been doing almost anything to gain the attention of players, fans, coaches, broadcasters, and even refs. 

Yes, the Prisoner of Azkaban of downs has been going through what the NFL has called “hopefully just a phase.” “We’re all trying to wait it out. We called Roger Goodell the other day and he said try to set consistent boundaries while managing our own expectations,” said Vice President of the Policy and Rules Administration Jon Runyan. “If it needs to get a crazy haircut, Goodell said, that’s fine. If it wants to go goth, let it go goth.” 

Since late August, second down has been seen partying with the third quarter of basketball — who many think is too old for it — riding a motorcycle, smoking marijuana, and even showing up drunk to a Peewee Football series when the offense was trying to pick up nine yards. 

“Yeah, I’m going through a thing, sure,” said a leather-jacketed second down when reached for comment. “But you have to understand. Everybody cheers for first down. Third is when they’re biting their fingernails. And fourth down? That’s when everything changes. But when it comes to the middle down… well, even Stephen A. Smith doesn’t even have an opinion of me, and he’s spent forty-five minutes ranting about timeouts.” 

Added second down,“The other day my dad actually said, ‘Why can’t you be a first down?’ I’m just trying to be me, Dad!” 

Second down said when it gets down, it replays a video from 2019, when Giants’ OC Matt Nagy went for a field goal on second down, referring to that brief moment of relevance as “the best day of [its] life.”