How to Kidnap a Little League Team

We’ve all been there.

A young athlete isn’t getting the playing time you demand. The coach ignores your threats. Parents unfairly threaten litigation when you approach their child with advice. If you have a compulsive urge to coach, the best way to circumvent these gatekeepers is simple: kidnap your own team.

It goes without saying that it’s best to lure them into your coaching van with something simple, like the promise of a beach party. Bear in mind that parents don’t like it when you kidnap their children. It’s best you don’t get caught.

This is when the real coaching begins. Immediately insult and overexert the worst player on the team until they illustrate a clear grasp on the fundamentals while the remaining players forage for materials to build their living quarters. Past experience tells us that this builds team chemistry and enhances on-field communication in the years to come.

Over the next several months, these lucky children will evade stick booby traps in the outfield, dodge the clusters of landmines placed outside the base paths, and avoid the embarrassment of their shock collars zapping them when they stray too far from their field position.

If you kidnap and train your little league team using my proven methods, take comfort in knowing that although the kids could identify your face in a police lineup, the only name they’ll know you by is the one you deserve: coach.