How To Watch A Live Birth Like A College Football Recruiter
If you’re a recruiter that wants to beat the elite programs to the punch, you’re gonna need to get your commitments early — even if you gotta start scouting in utero. Here’s how to watch a live birth like a college football recruiter.
- DO YOUR RESEARCH
You might have to spend late nights grinding sonogram tape, but when you show up to the hospital you better know an amniotic sac from a sack for loss. If you get caught sleeping in the waiting room next to all the future dads, the next five-star recruit could be running a 4.4 40 out of his mom’s womb and into the hands of another recruiter.
- KNOW YOUR MEASURABLES
Always read the doctor’s chart, but trust your instincts. Big head? The kid’s cerebral, think quarterback. Or was it a 10-pound chunkster that tore shit up on the way out? Then you may just have the next Aaron Donald on your placenta-covered hands.
- LOOK FOR INTANGIBLES
All scouts have access to the inches and ounces, but because you’re in the room you can get a live look at the intangibles that make or break future quarterbacks. Did he command the delivery room when he was born? Or did he cry like a little bitch for his mommy? Just watch out for c-sections — if he has trouble scrambling his way out of the womb, then he might lack the mobility to escape the pocket.
- DON’T BE AFRAID TO GET YOUR HANDS DIRTY
If you want to be the best of the best you gotta lace up your scrubs, pose as a doctor, and cut the umbilical cord yourself. That way you can ensure that the baby’s first words are a verbal commitment to your college’s program.
Now that you know the fundamentals of live birth recruiting, you’re ready to sneak into a hospital and sign some recruits — and some birth certificates. Just remember, if that baby is crowning, you’re too late.
