If You’re Not Wearing An Ascot, Are You Even At Wimbledon?

An open letter written by a concerned Sports Rioter

We at Sports Riot prefer to pay no heed to trifling matters concerning fashion, but things have come forward about future attire allowed at Wimbledon. Apparently things are to be more “casual.” Well, let us be the first to tell you: If you’re not wearing an ascot, were you even at Wimbledon? Wearing a cravat, scarf, or, God help us, a simple necktie, would be akin to rooting for your local futbol club without first getting pissed on Guinness or whichever Anheuser-Busch spirit is popular amongst the proletariat these days.

Yes, yes, we see some sporting fans had the foresight to adorn themselves with top hats and Swarovski crystal-encrusted walking canes, very good, but one dreadful bloke was wearing cross-trainers of all things. I nearly dropped my strawberries and cream when I saw that. One need not be seated in the Royal Box to dress in light, stylish, tailored, designer daywear. If we are to do away with the most rudimentary rules of etiquette, we are no different from those dreadful animals who compete on clay surfaces.

Dressing like a Buggard in the company of polite society is neither cheeky nor fun, it’s bloody disgraceful. Please excuse the outburst, but my passion for ascots is steeped in the deep-rooted traditions of the All England Club and I fear these transgressions could one day lead to players wearing, God forbid, off-white. I, for one, am just happy Princess Diana isn’t here to witness spectators wearing suits they bought off the rack.