Jaguars Fan Being Awfully Smug For Someone Whose Van Was Just Repossessed

Local Jaguars fan Randy C. was in unusually high spirits Tuesday afternoon despite arriving at an Arby’s on a bicycle, shirtless, shoeless, and visibly missing a van that had been repossessed earlier that morning with nearly everything he owns inside it.

Randy insists the situation is being blown out of proportion, noting that the Jaguars are “doing good,” though not good-good. “They’re doing Jacksonville good,” he clarified. “Like an eight. Maybe an eight and a half. I’ve got almost all my teeth. That’s where we’re at.”

Witnesses say Randy began talking trash to a Titans fan in the Arby’s parking lot before remembering that his phone, wallet, medication, spare clothes, and several emotionally important objects were still in the van. Randy waved this off, calling it “more of an inconvenience than a setback.”

“You can always get another van,” he said. “You can’t always get a team like this.”

Friends confirmed Randy had been living out of the van, meaning its repossession technically resulted in everything he owns being repossessed at once. Randy described this as “streamlining.”

Despite this, Randy said he hasn’t felt this optimistic in years. “Last time I felt this good was when I picked up my ex-wife from prison,” he said. “That didn’t work out, but this feels different.”

Randy believes the Jaguars might win the AFC South, which he says would justify “a lot of recent choices.” He plans to watch games however he can, including through a Best Buy window if necessary, and insists transportation issues won’t affect his fandom. “Momentum finds a way,” he said.

Asked what success would look like this season, Randy didn’t hesitate. “This is the year we win it all and we find out where my kids are,” he said. “Not get them back. Just find out where they are. That’s progress.”

Randy then got back on his bike, rang the bell once, and yelled “JAGS!” into traffic.