Jeff Bezos Acquires Sports

In a press conference on Thursday, entrepreneurial billionaire and executive chairman of Amazon Jeff Bezos announced a sweeping new venture, reaching a deal with the heads of every single professional, semi-pro, and amateur league across the globe to acquire sole ownership of the abstract concept of sports.

“I am looking forward to leading sports—a universally recognized product that has dominated the field of human recreational activity for over 12,000 years—into our vast and profitable Amazon network,” said Bezos, adding that he’s already initiated a system of engineering revamps to ensure that all balls, goalposts, fields, and players would be managed exclusively via Amazon Web Services by the end of 2029. “Although it is well-diversified, has a massive profit margin, and has seemingly maximized its user base, I am convinced that merely by cutting out a few more inefficiencies, sports can begin to grow exponentially by next quarter.”

Using Amazon as a guide, Bezos has already enacted several new productivity measures in his first week as CEO of sports, including eliminating the practice of timeouts, sending cease-and-desist letters to any person found in possession of an unregistered ball, and packaging less-profitable sports services such as the U.S. men’s national soccer team into discount bundles that include two free nets, a referee, and a regulation soccer stadium for anyone interested in purchasing or renting the team for a week. 

The implementation of Amazon’s shipping capacity has been just as impressive, as consumers can now have any sport, anywhere in the world, delivered to their residence or even to a nearby Amazon locker in as little as two days, although it should be noted that this service—as well as the entirety of the NBA—can only be accessed by Prime members.