Justin Verlander Retires After Remembering He Was Still Playing

Legendary pitcher Justin Verlander announced this week that, at age 43, he will finally be retiring from baseball. According to Verlander, he realized this week that he was, in fact, still playing baseball.

“I thought I retired in 2019,” a stunned Verlander told us, “I was as surprised as anyone to learn that I was still playing.”

Verlander spent last Monday going through his normal retirement routine: stretching, long toss, an ice bath, watching film on Ohtani, a bullpen warm up, and, finally, pitching off of a mound. “It was just like every other 5th day of my retirement,” Verlander explained. “It wasn’t until I was throwing an 86 MPH fastball to Yordan Alvarez that I thought to myself, ‘hey, wait a minute…I’m still playing!’” Upon this realization, Verlander simply walked off the mound, to a confused but enthusiastic ovation from the fans.

“These elderly players don’t know where they are anymore,” said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. “When a star’s been on the field for so long, often times, they don’t even realize they’re still playing. We saw it with Pujols, Cabrera, Kershaw; we still can’t get Bartolo Colon to leave the bullpen.”

Now that Verlander is retired for real, the three-time Cy Young Award winner plans on spending his days getting some hard earned relaxation: brunch at Comerica Park, playing catch with other retirees, and teaching his grandchildren ‘all about the wonders of mits’.

“I’m just glad that Justin figured it out himself. It’s a lot easier that way,” Manfred told us. “An intern tried to tell Max Scherzer that he’s still playing. We still haven’t pieced together all of his body.”