Mayor Of Cleveland Prepares To Set Fire To River Again Before Next Watson Allegations Drop

In anticipation for Saturday’s playoff game, Cleveland mayor Justin Bibb announced Wednesday a $2.1 million measure to prepare the Cuyahoga River to catch fire immediately in the case that Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson faces another sexual-misconduct charge. 

According to Bibb, keeping Watson on the field is City of Cleveland Priority #1. “Let’s face it, with DeShaun Watson we spent our entire sewage and city infrastructure budget to acquire him, we’re pot committed and all-in on Watson. While we love Flacco, Watson is ‘big time’ and with our great defense this team and city’s future is limitless,” said Bibb, who was born and raised in Cleveland and never saw a “big time quarterback” before Watson. “If I can keep DeShaun in office, even if it means setting the river ablaze, I know he’ll keep me in office through 2030.” 

Bibb’s measure would counteract decades of pollution-prevention initiatives brought on by the last river fire, in June 1969, which prompted the creation of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) and the Clean Water Act. “We’re ready to undo all of that,” said Bibb. “The next time Watson undergoes a shred of scrutiny, the TV report will be forced to cut mid-sentence to a correspondent who’s stationed in front of a billowing inferno live at the Cuyahoga River.” 

Bibb, whose recent approval rating has skyrocketed to 100%, is ensuring that preparations for another fire are elaborate as they are environmentally unsafe. He positioned several silo-sized oil tanks at various points along the bank of the river, which flows through the downtown and into Lake Erie. The tanks will be set to tip over the moment Bibb enters a digital code. 

The code, Bibb revealed, is 0-0-0-0, a figure that symbolically and literally represents how many times the Browns have won the Super Bowl. 

Preparations for the fire were halted, however, when Bibb’s advisors discovered that the Cuyahoga River is already extremely flammable as is and will catch fire at the simple drop of a match.