Mets Acquire Yankees For $1.2 Trillion

People say, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.” Well, the New York Mets just proved Monday that you might be able to “buy ’em.” Yes, the Mets struck a deal to absorb the entire Yankees organization for $1.2 trillion, making them the spendiest — and, now, winningest — franchise in baseball history.

“It started with [OF Juan] Soto,” said Mets owner Steve Cohen. “We got him for $765 million. But then we thought: How much for Judge? And Stanton? And Gerrit Cole? And — what the hell — Aaron Boone?”

Cohen said that at first, the Yankees wanted $1.5 trillion, but softened when reminded that, along with the team, they’d inherit the legacy of Alex Rodriguez. “We’ll do it,” said Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner.

But Cohen soon realized that along with A-Rod’s legacy came that of the Yankee entire organization. “The Mets are no longer the team that spends too much, did too much blow in the ’80s, and chokes down the stretch. We’re now a classy legacy. Joe Dimaggio will now be called the ‘Mets Clipper.’ Murderer’s Row? The ’27 Mets.” As for the greatest Met of all time? “Hot take,” said Cohen. “I’m gonna say Yogi Berra.”

And what about Yankees Stadium in the Bronx? “You mean ‘Mets Stadium’?” Cohen said, sporting a devious smile. “Not only do we have two stadiums, we also have one of the greatest farm teams ever: the 2024 Mets. Francisco Lindor is our Triple-A shortstop.”

Next up, Cohen is considering buying the Brooklyn Dodgers, which would make the Mets the first team to integrate baseball.