Real Talk: Why Doesn’t The Pope Coach Notre Dame?

Let’s be real, guys. This nation’s been pussy-footing around the issue for too many decades, and it’s time we look it in the eye: Pope Francis the best, the only, choice to take the reins of Notre Dame Football.

Sure, everyone knows the history: The Pope’s divine ordination comes ex officio with the authority to head-coach Notre Dame, an authority handed down by Christ to Saint Peter in 1887. It’s been issued to every pope until Vatican II, in 1965, which made Poping and coaching “optional.”

Huge mistake.

Since then, most supreme pontiffs (including Benedict XVI, who played tackle for the Fighting Irish) have opted out of coaching God’s team. Is this the reason Notre Dame’s been in National Championship purgatory for so long? They haven’t ascended this mortal coil since the late 80s, when Pope Lou (Holz) II completed his Crusade against West Virginia.

So why the hell isn’t Pope Francis coaching Notre Dame today? Several theories. One says he’s tired of taking the Coachmobile to South Bend every Saturday. Others say he can’t fit a headset over the papal tiara. Still others say he’s holding out for the Alabama job.

Our opinion? He’s trying to stay above the fray of a 2011 child s(e)x-abuse scandal that rocked the NCAA and had “JPII” (Pope Joe Paterno) looking the other way on a certain employee of the cloth. But, as Bishop Robert Barron says in Letter to a Suffering Church, we need to move “forward — and westward, to Indiana.”

If Francis put on the metallic-gold mitre, could you imagine the effectiveness of his pregame prayers? Or his Hail Marys? Notre Dame would out-God every team in the Big 12 and SEC. And in terms of the ACC, what if we promised him a cupcake against the Blue Devils in September?

Of course if he loses even one game, it would prove that God isn’t real.

Or – if he loses to Indiana tonight, that God lives in Indiana? No – it’d further the claim that God isn’t real.